sexuality

I Destroy my Clit… So Why so Gentle with Oral? NSFW

Originally published on August 11, 2016 • Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium

By: Lilith

I suddenly yelled in exasperation: “do you even know how I destroy my clit?” This incredibly inappropriate yet hilarious outburst was during a conversation with a fellow female co-worker centered on unsatisfying oral by partners in the past. While I cannot speak for all women, nor should I, I can honestly say that I’ve encountered many women who hate how gentle and tentative bedfellows can be when giving oral. This being the complete opposite of how we women have treated our own clits, vulvas and vaginas.

Not to be crude but I have absolutely obliterated my clit while seeking just one more orgasm… Maybe two more. I know how tough my beaver is and the kind of beating it can take because I’ve been meaner to her then any person has gotten close to being. This is not to say that I don’t love my clit and treat her nicely, but on occasion, that bitch needs to be destroyed.

It may seem strange to have a woman talking about her “secret garden” like this but honestly why is it so strange? Knowing our bodies enough to know that it will recover from some tender abuse (consensually) and that I like it, is incredibly empowering because I set my own pace and it is entirely for my own pleasure. We seem obsessed with the frailty of not just the female gender but the soft, tenderness of the genitalia which marks us female according to medical science. When ignorant people say “don’t be a pussy,” they obviously have never thought of what kind of badass beating pussies can take and how amazingly tough those pink lips and love canal really can be. The saying should be: “be tough like a pussy”.

Whether the destruction is due to good old-fashion fingers, new toy exploration or the classic destroyer the Hitachi Magic Wand, needless to say, you don’t have to be gentle when confronted with my “rosebud”. During my time working in a sex store, I have encountered many women who share the same sentiment about the frustrating sweet tenderness of tongue flicks. Note: if you lick ice-cream with more intensity and pressure then you do a woman, re-evaluate.

This is of course not to say that you can never be gentle, in fact it is often best to start gentle and work on everywhere but the clit to begin with. Yet when it comes time to show off your tornado tongue, please for the love of God, make use of the amazing muscles featured in the mouth. They are strong for a reason!

Communicate with your lady friend next time you plan on chowing down on some muff, ask if she likes it rougher. Listen to her when you’re munching for the cues on where to hit and even where not to go. This can be said for men as well! I’ve been told by many men that they like a little rough pressure as they also have gone full ham on themselves, on many occasions.

I cannot express this enough that every person is different and communication between partners is important to making sure everyone has an enjoyable and safe time. Don’t be afraid to suck, lick, even graze with your teeth your partner’s wiggly bits because we have done so much worse to ourselves at one point or another!

So next time you are ready to enjoy some lady taco, keep in mind that the kind of mean things you’ve done to your own meat package is actually fairly common and getting rough sometimes goes a long way towards groundbreaking orgasms rather than BoringVille.

Note: This blog is focused on the experiences of cis-women. Trans men and women have very different experiences in regards to sexuality, and how to appropriately perform certain sexual acts pre or post surgery. I am not writing about trans folks because it would be flat-out wrong to speak for them, that privilege is theirs alone.
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Notes on Erotic Role-Play

Originally written for Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium

“The element of play has an important role in my life, and I think that should be the case in the life of every artist. Our life is occupied with playing, whether we play an instrument or a role.” –Dietrich Fischer- Dieskau

Our popular culture as of late has been so thoroughly saturated with a certain kind of role-playing that it is hard to imagine any other kinds, or why anyone outside of hardcore kinksters would want to enjoy it… thanks a lot Fifty Shades. Yet the essential core of role-playing is not situated in the darkest, scariest dungeon for most, but is instead based upon a change in scenery or a change in the motions. Arguably, we has human beings are always playing roles, whether that be our gender or our professions, or perhaps as entertaining friend and supportive family member, these are all roles. Many believe these to be simply inherent in life and in a sense that is true, because we have established as a culture that that is how our social system works: you must have one gender, you must have one profession, and you must be one person at all times. Yet, these constraints on ourselves can be subverted and it is often through that subverting that we can find pleasure and sometimes find a place where we truly feel like ourselves.

There is immense power in being able to decide who and what you are. Whether for erotic purposes or not, role-playing is a wonderful exercise in the meaning and use of power. Some would understand power as inherently oppressive or problematic as the saying that power corrupts is common among our culture and popular in movie plotlines- power is simply the interaction between beings. This includes the power people have when they freely give their power to another or when that person accepts that power with respect and a humbling appreciating of that gift. You see this kind of loving exchange of power in fulfilling Dominant and Submissive relationships, where the submissive has a resounding amount of power because they have the ability to give it to their Dominant. Yet, the exchange of power within role-play goes beyond the dungeon and BDSM relationship; you can find it when people use the scenario of teacher/ students, employer/ employee, or doctor/ patient. While these kinds of dynamics can breed abuse and illegal activities in active life, within a safe and agreed upon circumstance the power dynamic can be heightened or completely changed for sexual arousal in a positive and fulfilling way.

betty

There are many types of role-playing, really too many to list, and often mainstream society feels uncomfortable with some of them because they may seem deviant or problematic if practiced in active life. This may include Priest/ Choirboy, Mommy/ Child or the feminization of men for example. What must be stressed here is that those who participate in role-playing for erotic purposes (and many people do), they do not necessarily want to practice those roles outside in their active life and in fact the reasons why some enjoy the schoolgirl look (for example) is complicated and does not mean that that individual wants to have sexual relations with an underage girl. Remember that power dynamics are always in play in our lives and during role-playing, power can be even more relevant as for example- an individual may feel less powerful around a person dressed like a schoolgirl because it reminds them of the dynamics in highschool and this arouses them.

For some, they explore role-playing because they want to spice up their sex life and this can be achieved in many different ways. A scene can be set by using only one piece of clothing or an entire outfit, perhaps one toy or an entire stage of props. For some, they enjoy role-playing by pretending they do not know a partner but instead meet them for the “first time” in a bar. Essentially what I am saying is that role-playing can be a wonderfully creative expression of love and sexuality and that there is no one formula for everyone to follow. What I do caution for those interested in role-play is that you do it in a relationship with a partner you trust. While this may seem limiting, it is because role-playing successfully requires a lot of communication between people and without trust and respect already established the power dynamics could turn problematic and abusive. Consent is so important and if things are not discussed beforehand then there is no consent, which is illegal. The element of surprise should be sacrificed in this sense. An option is to have an agreed upon signal such as a certain necklace or pair of socks which indicates that your partner is interested in enacting a previously agreed upon scene, and that the other partner has signaled in their own way through an agreed upon statement that they are also interested. Communication is absolutely necessary with role-playing.

So why not try spicing it up? With communication and some planning, your night could turn into a fantasy which is titillating and erotic in a safe and positive environment. Open up to your partner about fantasies you have and be open to theirs as well. Being supportive and non-judgmental leads to better relationships, sex and role-playing for all involved. Start with an outfit or prop and experiment from there. Above all, remember that sex is supposed to be fun and fantasies are just an extension of that.

So may your fantasies come true.

Lilith Out

Wicked Notes- on Exploration

Written by Lilith for Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium

“Sexuality is one of the ways that we become enlightened, actually, because it leads us to self-knowledge.” –Alice Walker

Just as children learn to walk and adults learn to function within our capitalist world, we as a species learn sexuality and how it relates to our selves and to those around us. Whether it be within the categories of gay, straight, queer or otherwise, sexuality is a huge part of today’s North American culture. We are obsessed with sexuality and sex because we have constructed it as fundamental to not only how we operation in our daily lives but who we are on a personal level. Essentially, sexuality has become a cornerstone of our identity. Yet while we enter into a spring that is as unpredictable as we can hope for in Ottawa, we reevaluate our lives and how we plan to live them during the warm summer months, including our sex lives. For some, the self-exploration and introspection of our sex lives is of regret and guilt at enjoying sexual interactions with those that make us question our judgement. Yet for others, it is about regret for not grasping onto the opportunities, figuratively and perhaps literally- taking the bull by the horns. Our sex lives are constantly under scrutiny and policing by society, our peers and by ourselves. Just as one refuses to wear that winter coat anymore- regardless that it is still a little cold for the spring jacket- one should refuse to not have a sex live truly fulfilling.

For Wicked Wanda’s, May is characterized by exploration, fantasies and experimentation in hopes of finding new, guilt-free ways of enjoying one’s sexuality and re-connecting with one’s body, and mind on a deeply personal and sensual level. Whether your exploration includes a co-captain, a crew or simply just yourself, reclaim your sexuality as a positive force in your life and in your identity. Many people see a distinction between being Vanilla and being Kinky, and furthermore juxtapose those sexual categories on the personality. If those categories speak to you or they don’t- being either or both or neither, it doesn’t matter. Whatever way you can enjoy your sexuality in a positive and supportive environment is what matters. So go ahead and try some toys in the bedroom, maybe some bondage or watch porn! Role play with a single outfit item or get together an entire scene. Explore different kinds of orgasms or focus on sexuality through sensual play. The month of May is all about you and how you want to enjoy your sexuality, and maybe if you let it, your fantasies will come true.

Come by Wicked Wanda’s Adult Emporium to check out all the ways to explore and experiment and with every purchase of $75 or more, you will receive 50 Shades of Great Sex DVD free.

May your Fantasies come True

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Prof. Karaian on “Selfies, Sexuality and Teens: A Canadian Study” – Interview

Lilith interviewed Dr. Lara Karaian who is recently working on a project named “Selfies, Sexuality and Teens: A Canadian Study” at Carleton University. She has looked at the legal regulation and construction of sex, gender and sexuality; feminist, queer and transgender legal theory; risk management and regulation; (self)surveillance; the intersections of criminal and constitutional law; law and morality; critical criminology, cultural criminology, and porn studies.

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Papi Pacify- The Gaze, Consent and Kink and why I Love It

I first discovered this song when I searched up Top Feminist Songs of 2013 and it ranked very high on the list. By just looking at screen shots of the music video one sees an almost violent encounter between a man and woman, as he chokes her and forces fingers into her mouth. Yet upon closer investigation the video combined with the lyrics show a unique intersection between consent, kink and feminism. In fact, Twigs “tops from the bottom” in many ways as she expresses her desire to be dominated to the point where her tongue seeks his fingers to be put into her mouth.

What makes this video a visual representation of feminism and kink is her explicit use and awareness of The Gaze. Throughout the video, she is continually looking at the viewer in a purposefully and interactive kind of way. Women in popular culture mediums like music videos or advertisements are often the objects of the gaze and experience a dehumanizing objectification. Men are often portrayed as directly gazing back at the viewer, as if they are aware of the viewing relationship and they are refusing to be objectified by it. In Twigs’ video, this gendered dynamic is switched, where she is the active viewer/viewed and her male partner is objectified by the viewer’s gaze. He is, in a sense, a tool for her pleasure and she demands his and the viewer’s attention. This is not to say that in order to achieve equality, we must objectify men but I am in fact acknowledging the pattern of The Gaze within popular culture and how Twigs uses and challenges the conventional gaze.

This song and video also looks at the relationship between consent, kink and race. Both Twigs and her male pattern appear to be racialized persons and yet, their race doesn’t really matter. By no means does it appear that the video is relying on racist stereotypes of the sexual beastly black male. It instead looks to the sexual and sensual relationship between bodies. While still focusing on Twigs, as she is often in the centre of the frame or appears alone, the relationship between Twigs and her partner is powerfully real. With the aspect of kink involved, the cardinal rule within the community: Safe, Sane, and Consensual, is paramount within the video. While not everyone digs getting fingers put into their mouth, Twigs obviously wants it and expresses in multiple ways that she is consenting to this kind of play. The same goes for the breath play (or choking) involved in the video.

Note: Breath play is dangerous and is considered extreme within the kink community. Do not do this kind of play without researching techniques and does or don’ts (like never wrap rope around the neck). Safe is the first part of the cardinal rule, and make sure you discuss any kind of play you are interested in with your partner before the fun stuff.

In my opinion, FKA Twigs’ video Papi Pacify is a wonderful popular culture representation of the relationship between consent, kink and feminism. You don’t have to be into kink to be a feminist but it is a lot of fun!

Lilith Out!
Want more on Kink and Feminism check out another blog post here!

To check out the lyrics click here!

Lara Karaian Interview on Selfies, Sexuality and Teens: A Canadian Perspective

Recorded December 1st, 2014. On this episode of Femme Fatale, Lilith brought assistant professor in the Carleton Criminology department professor Lara Karian to talk about her research. Looking at the regulation of sexuality in Canada through law and the culture of porn informed her current work on how teen sexuality is regarded both socially and through the law here in Canada, and how teens themselves see sex and sex education.

CKCU 93.1 FM

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